Sometimes your stuck

March 16, 2019 

   A few months ago we were starting to dream about the big opportunity to move to the east coast. Today that’s a lost dream and won’t happen. Short story, we were lead along and now are staying in the Springs. In the end it’s ok with me because I get to enjoy our house, neighborhood, mountains and community. Although I’m  tired of having to try and find a new community. But that’s just how life goes sometimes. You grow and change and need to bend with it. If you don’t you’ll end up just breaking yourself and thinking your less than you are. 

   For a long time Audrey’s favorite bedtime story was Oh the Places you Go. The first few pages, Dr. Suess illustrates a journey your on with everyone . Going great places and headed to the great unknown. The picture is hot air balloons taking off into the beautiful sky. The next page is my favorite part of the story. It shows your hot air balloon popped and hanging on the edge of a cliff. Saying “ but sometimes you're not going, sometimes you're stuck.” I love this and usually start to tear up because of how true it is and impactful to have in a children’s book. Sometimes the dream you were so close to grasping breaks and your left hanging on to all thats left. But it’s ok, it’s ok to fail; even if you never get to take flight, or get very far.

    This isn’t going to break us but it is going to change us. Right now it’s hard to watch my husband so depressed. It’s hard knowing he’s doubting himself and thinking less of himself. I want to shake the sadness out of him, but I also understand what it’s like to be depressed and trapped in those thoughts. Cindy Lauper says love is a battlefield. I say your mind is a fucking battle field! And personally I’m tired of letting it win and I’m ready to fight! I’m Brittany Marie Van Horn dammit and I got this. I know our family is going to hurt but I know that one day we will look back and see that it made us stronger. Honestly we’ve been through much harder things than getting laid off and opportunities lost.

    Phillip is such a phenomenal man and I love every day that I get to be married to him. I look at him and thing damn, how did I get such a gift? How did I get so blessed that I’m married to an intelligent, kind, sexy, brave man who holds me still? I often tell Phillip he’s my safe harbor. The one I’m tethered to who inspires and makes me safe when the waves come to break me. He’s my person, the love of my life, my person and my lobster all in one :) Even through this fucking pain and disappointment I wouldn’t trade a day with him , and I refuse to let the irritation become irritation with him and his character. 

     Honestly I’m tired of people not seeing his potential. Why can’t they see what I see?

 But you know what, I have faith that someone well. That Phillip will learn the lessons he needs with this and leave all the other bullshit behind. I believe that one day he will be in a job where he’s respected and valued. Where his thoughts and innovation change lives and the company. Where he’s paid well and gets to come home to us at a decent time. Where we cheer him on and he gets promoted and gets to be the leader he already is. I believe this will happen in his career like it’s happening at home. I teach my girls to observe how hard they’re daddy works. When they say “Mama I miss Daddy, when is he coming home from work?” I respond, “He will be here soon. Daddy’s working so hard for us, he takes care of us and is such a great worker. And when he comes home we get to cheer!! yah Daddy’s home! With hugs and kisses and encourage him”. I do this because no matter what age I want my children to live thankfully of all were given . And a great Father and provider is one of the many things my Phillip Don is. 

   Sometimes life sucks, people are dicks and you fail. Phillip and I have had such hard things happen to us. People slander and hate us, drag our name through the mud and actively try and tear us apart.  But each time we've overcome it, and  we get to decide what will beat us . I can decide what truth I want to live by and trust my Father God has us. So yeah we don’t know the plan the next few years. We don’t know what next job we will get.  But I do know what I’m going to do today. I’m going to get off this plane back to Colorado Springs. I’m going to kiss and hold my children. I’m going to make love to my man and thank him for choosing me, and let him know how glad I am that he’s mine. We’re going to have dinner as a family and maybe watch a movie. Tomorrow is enough for tomorrow and life is happening now so why not live it! Yeah we need jobs and to start over again. But we also get to live today and what a great gift is that. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
    Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
   1 Peter 5:7 ESV

Love and Help

       One of the ways I express love to others, is through service. Growing up my dad was really big on showing us his love through gestures. Like making sure I had plenty of gas in my car, clothes cleaned and a hot dinner. It was simple , but brought stability and comfort. In fact he still is like that. Currently I'm in his guest room while he washes my clothes before my flight home. :) I think my Dad Charlie is a big reason why I like to serve others. Whether it's cleaning bathrooms, bringing a meal, or babysitting, so a fellow mama can get rest. I love it and I'm pretty good at it.
     I think everyone has a way they feel most loved, and I enjoy figuring out what that is and then doing it. Sometimes that is an stretching experience and other times its easy peasy lemon squeezy. :)
Right now I'm in Las Vegas helping my family clean and organize. For some of us 2019 has already become a really shitty year, so I hope I can provide some relief to that just by being here. I happily scrub toilets, vacuum, organize and help get rid of things we no longer need. Personally I hate cleaning bathrooms; but I figure so does everyone else so I might as well serve them the best I can.
    I'm really enjoying being here in Vegas. The weather is relatively cool and there have been lots of special moments where we get to do something special. Where I can deep clean and bring relief or visit somewhere special as a family.  This week my older sister Raina took me to a phenomenal tea and coffee spot. It's really a hidden gem. The building is an old industrial warehouse that they've transformed. With comfy mixed matched chairs, books as table legs, swings and slides. A mixture of victorian and japenese/korean decor. in the room they bake fresh bread and pastries is all windows, similar to a green house where you can watch them create there delicious treats. Every bit of it was comforting to me. At moments I wanted to cry over how special it was. Even the simple fact that I got to sit alone with my older sister. Growing up I always looked up to her. How she made life more fun , her spontaneity and joy in cooking. She made me want to be a great friend and mother. Now as an adult she still is one of the women I look up to and I'm still learning from her.  We have different stories on how we became who we are, and don't agree on everything. But being her sister is an honor and I love every bit of it. One of the favorite memories I will take from this trip is sitting next to her. Hearing about her life and laughing with her. Even without the special coffee shop I'd take an hour with her alone over anything else.

    My youngest sister Kenzie turned 20 this week. Mckenzie is everyones favorite and none of us mind it. Out of the 6 siblings I think she's the one we all have a soft spot for. She's the baby but never is in the shadows. Kenzie just radiates joy and life. It's amazing to me how fast we all grew up and now this beautiful woman stands before me. Mckenzie is kicking ass and taking names. She's currently working hard in her jobs, working off debt and getting ready to finish her degree at UNLV. I didn't plan on being her for her birthday but this time of helping ended up overlapping. In the middle of celebrating her special day my mom and her decided we should go camping. Spontaneous camping trip here we come! To Zion National Park in Utah. So for one day we loaded up the car with camping gear, snacks and water and drove three hours to one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. A lot of the time the desert seems ugly. It's hot, dry and not a speck of green. But every once in a while you find desert terrain thats stunning. With red and orange cliff faces, wild succulents and just beauty all around. I loved our little one day camping trip. We sat around the fire talking and telling stories, laughing and enjoying yummy treats. Just having girl time and enjoying nature. In the morning my mom took us to the Virgin river close to our camp site and we just relaxed before packing up and heading home. All in all I loved this time and am so thankful to be able to help and see my family.