Sometimes your stuck

March 16, 2019 

   A few months ago we were starting to dream about the big opportunity to move to the east coast. Today that’s a lost dream and won’t happen. Short story, we were lead along and now are staying in the Springs. In the end it’s ok with me because I get to enjoy our house, neighborhood, mountains and community. Although I’m  tired of having to try and find a new community. But that’s just how life goes sometimes. You grow and change and need to bend with it. If you don’t you’ll end up just breaking yourself and thinking your less than you are. 

   For a long time Audrey’s favorite bedtime story was Oh the Places you Go. The first few pages, Dr. Suess illustrates a journey your on with everyone . Going great places and headed to the great unknown. The picture is hot air balloons taking off into the beautiful sky. The next page is my favorite part of the story. It shows your hot air balloon popped and hanging on the edge of a cliff. Saying “ but sometimes you're not going, sometimes you're stuck.” I love this and usually start to tear up because of how true it is and impactful to have in a children’s book. Sometimes the dream you were so close to grasping breaks and your left hanging on to all thats left. But it’s ok, it’s ok to fail; even if you never get to take flight, or get very far.

    This isn’t going to break us but it is going to change us. Right now it’s hard to watch my husband so depressed. It’s hard knowing he’s doubting himself and thinking less of himself. I want to shake the sadness out of him, but I also understand what it’s like to be depressed and trapped in those thoughts. Cindy Lauper says love is a battlefield. I say your mind is a fucking battle field! And personally I’m tired of letting it win and I’m ready to fight! I’m Brittany Marie Van Horn dammit and I got this. I know our family is going to hurt but I know that one day we will look back and see that it made us stronger. Honestly we’ve been through much harder things than getting laid off and opportunities lost.

    Phillip is such a phenomenal man and I love every day that I get to be married to him. I look at him and thing damn, how did I get such a gift? How did I get so blessed that I’m married to an intelligent, kind, sexy, brave man who holds me still? I often tell Phillip he’s my safe harbor. The one I’m tethered to who inspires and makes me safe when the waves come to break me. He’s my person, the love of my life, my person and my lobster all in one :) Even through this fucking pain and disappointment I wouldn’t trade a day with him , and I refuse to let the irritation become irritation with him and his character. 

     Honestly I’m tired of people not seeing his potential. Why can’t they see what I see?

 But you know what, I have faith that someone well. That Phillip will learn the lessons he needs with this and leave all the other bullshit behind. I believe that one day he will be in a job where he’s respected and valued. Where his thoughts and innovation change lives and the company. Where he’s paid well and gets to come home to us at a decent time. Where we cheer him on and he gets promoted and gets to be the leader he already is. I believe this will happen in his career like it’s happening at home. I teach my girls to observe how hard they’re daddy works. When they say “Mama I miss Daddy, when is he coming home from work?” I respond, “He will be here soon. Daddy’s working so hard for us, he takes care of us and is such a great worker. And when he comes home we get to cheer!! yah Daddy’s home! With hugs and kisses and encourage him”. I do this because no matter what age I want my children to live thankfully of all were given . And a great Father and provider is one of the many things my Phillip Don is. 

   Sometimes life sucks, people are dicks and you fail. Phillip and I have had such hard things happen to us. People slander and hate us, drag our name through the mud and actively try and tear us apart.  But each time we've overcome it, and  we get to decide what will beat us . I can decide what truth I want to live by and trust my Father God has us. So yeah we don’t know the plan the next few years. We don’t know what next job we will get.  But I do know what I’m going to do today. I’m going to get off this plane back to Colorado Springs. I’m going to kiss and hold my children. I’m going to make love to my man and thank him for choosing me, and let him know how glad I am that he’s mine. We’re going to have dinner as a family and maybe watch a movie. Tomorrow is enough for tomorrow and life is happening now so why not live it! Yeah we need jobs and to start over again. But we also get to live today and what a great gift is that. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
    Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
   1 Peter 5:7 ESV

Love and Help

       One of the ways I express love to others, is through service. Growing up my dad was really big on showing us his love through gestures. Like making sure I had plenty of gas in my car, clothes cleaned and a hot dinner. It was simple , but brought stability and comfort. In fact he still is like that. Currently I'm in his guest room while he washes my clothes before my flight home. :) I think my Dad Charlie is a big reason why I like to serve others. Whether it's cleaning bathrooms, bringing a meal, or babysitting, so a fellow mama can get rest. I love it and I'm pretty good at it.
     I think everyone has a way they feel most loved, and I enjoy figuring out what that is and then doing it. Sometimes that is an stretching experience and other times its easy peasy lemon squeezy. :)
Right now I'm in Las Vegas helping my family clean and organize. For some of us 2019 has already become a really shitty year, so I hope I can provide some relief to that just by being here. I happily scrub toilets, vacuum, organize and help get rid of things we no longer need. Personally I hate cleaning bathrooms; but I figure so does everyone else so I might as well serve them the best I can.
    I'm really enjoying being here in Vegas. The weather is relatively cool and there have been lots of special moments where we get to do something special. Where I can deep clean and bring relief or visit somewhere special as a family.  This week my older sister Raina took me to a phenomenal tea and coffee spot. It's really a hidden gem. The building is an old industrial warehouse that they've transformed. With comfy mixed matched chairs, books as table legs, swings and slides. A mixture of victorian and japenese/korean decor. in the room they bake fresh bread and pastries is all windows, similar to a green house where you can watch them create there delicious treats. Every bit of it was comforting to me. At moments I wanted to cry over how special it was. Even the simple fact that I got to sit alone with my older sister. Growing up I always looked up to her. How she made life more fun , her spontaneity and joy in cooking. She made me want to be a great friend and mother. Now as an adult she still is one of the women I look up to and I'm still learning from her.  We have different stories on how we became who we are, and don't agree on everything. But being her sister is an honor and I love every bit of it. One of the favorite memories I will take from this trip is sitting next to her. Hearing about her life and laughing with her. Even without the special coffee shop I'd take an hour with her alone over anything else.

    My youngest sister Kenzie turned 20 this week. Mckenzie is everyones favorite and none of us mind it. Out of the 6 siblings I think she's the one we all have a soft spot for. She's the baby but never is in the shadows. Kenzie just radiates joy and life. It's amazing to me how fast we all grew up and now this beautiful woman stands before me. Mckenzie is kicking ass and taking names. She's currently working hard in her jobs, working off debt and getting ready to finish her degree at UNLV. I didn't plan on being her for her birthday but this time of helping ended up overlapping. In the middle of celebrating her special day my mom and her decided we should go camping. Spontaneous camping trip here we come! To Zion National Park in Utah. So for one day we loaded up the car with camping gear, snacks and water and drove three hours to one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. A lot of the time the desert seems ugly. It's hot, dry and not a speck of green. But every once in a while you find desert terrain thats stunning. With red and orange cliff faces, wild succulents and just beauty all around. I loved our little one day camping trip. We sat around the fire talking and telling stories, laughing and enjoying yummy treats. Just having girl time and enjoying nature. In the morning my mom took us to the Virgin river close to our camp site and we just relaxed before packing up and heading home. All in all I loved this time and am so thankful to be able to help and see my family.

Goodbye Social Media

    A few months ago I decided to give up my social media for 6 months. I had listened to an interview with Jaron Lanier about his book : Ten Arguments For Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now. In the interview he spoke of the importance of knowing yourself and the busyness that social media creates. I became very intrigued and started thinking about my connections on social media and if it was a harmful source in my life.
     I have a life philosophy to seek growth and continual change no matter where I'm at;  so I took this challenge. In some ways this belief becomes harmful because I forget to just enjoy my life as it is, and risk never feeling satisfied with what I have in front of me. In being a follower of Jesus this also becomes an act of disobedience as scripture speaks about not worrying, letting God lead you and choosing to live out a life of joy, peace and simplicity. Often in the act of following Jesus you go go go, because there is always more to do and more to serve in. A beautiful ideal to keep serving and keep going, but completely forgetting Christs' persistence on rest and taking a Sabbath. I have seen the effects of my life when I keep going and refuse rest. Not only am I left burnt out , but also can create damage to others by not being at my best self. I have said the wrong things, hurt my family and over committed and under performed. This all could have been changed if I pursued rest and not being distracted.
     So after watching this interview I started looking at my distractions and asking myself which ones create the most harm. Months ago I spent hours collectively on my many social media accounts. Between Facebook, Instagram and Twitter I always had my phone near me. Not for phone calls but just to have it with me. I would check my social status, if I have any comments or likes, scroll through others content on their pages, shop and just browse. Collectively for hours at a time I would stay "busy" but with nothing really of substance. So I simply said goodbye to see who I would be in 6 months without it and how I can grow with my newly acquired time.
    What I have found without social media is peace. Without the distraction and "busyness" I don't concern myself with where I stand or others opinions. This has helped me a lot in not caring what people think (which I often struggle with as an insecurity). I don't wonder as much if I'm doing the right thing or liked because what's in front of me is the most important. I'm not posting photos or letting the world know every bit of my day or what I have to do. Part of me misses this because Instagram helps connect me connect with my distant family but it also has created more phone calls and desire for quality time. I have been writing more and really enjoy it. I write more blogs, letters and growing in reading. I also enjoy my kids better and observe more. Secretly I wonder if they had to fight for my attention while I was distracted with my phone. I want technology to be a helpful tool, but for me have found it to be more harmful than good. Hopefully when I return to social media this will have changed. But for now I am enjoying the simplicity my life holds. I enjoy taking more family photos and not feeling the rush to share them. I like the creativity that has come from having more time, and mostly I just enjoy my own thoughts. Writing more for my own spiritual discipline and writing letters is a joy.
    This December I'll have my social accounts back, but I think I'm going to cancel some of them. Maybe with that permanent space there will be even more opportunities for growth and life.

Adventure Awaits!

   A few months ago my husband and I started talking about the possibility of moving. We got married 6 years ago in the northwest. On our honeymoon, we explored Portland and the neighboring suburbs and I fell in love. I've always had an adoration for the Northwest and being there again just made me want to move as soon as possible. As much as I felt the call for adventure and change it never happened.
  Over the years living in Colorado my husband Phillip and I had two daughters, moved into a larger home and started cultivating community. I learned about being more balanced as an adult and patience as I got to know others. Thought of ways we could make our city better and how I can grow. Phillip changed jobs four times, we fought and cried, grew and stretched, laughed and had fun stories. Year after year we rooted ourselves deeper into our family and friends. And overall I have really enjoyed it.

   Today we've lived in Colorado Springs for the last 13 years, Phillip for 29. Honestly moving wasn't on the forecast for us. We love our neighbors and recently got ready to build a community library in our front yard. I felt the need to stay put and live here the next 30 years. Phillip, on the other hand continued to feel stifled in his career. SoI started praying for new opportunities, maybe a new career or city in Colorado. The very idea of moving brought a lot of excitement but also worry and fear. Where would we go? Where would Phillip work and the girls go to school? We loved the school Audrey was  in and were ready to get involved with her school board. So where to now? And what was there for me to accomplish or grow in? Am I supposed to go to college or serve somewhere ? Lots and lots of prayers and waiting.


    Until two months ago moving was an idea that I prayed and we talked about once the girls were asleep. Now it's a reality. In a few months the four of us are moving to Pennsylvania. Phillip got a great job offer and we think it's the best thing for us. It's a new adventure! My days are spent deep cleaning, pulling weeds and making lists of all the things we need to finish. Our home is going on the market in a few weeks and were on our way. Looking at new houses and reading how to best move across country with kids and two cats. We have been researching neighborhoods to live and the best schools for Audrey to transfer into. (Thankful this move will happen when the girls are young ) It's exciting and new but also pretty scary. I'm going to miss our community here and all of the connections we have made. I love our neighbors, they are the most generous and loving people, and I feel blessed to know them. I'm going to miss our favorite places we visit as a family, and just knowing where I am. I'm especially going to miss these mountains. Where else are my eyes going to go when I'm outside?
      I am excited about the changes though. For different trees and weather. Excited about Saturday mornings spent exploring and searching for new coffee shops. The girls are looking forward to parks and holidays in a new home. Phillip is ready for the change in his work and diversity in our community. Wherever were headed I know we will grow a lot and come closer together.

  Moving has it's drawbacks as well though. I realize more and more how much I want control and to know every little detail. I make plans and back up plans in case those fail. Really I'm saying, " God this is cool and all, but I think you'll fail me somehow and I'm really afraid of all the unknowns." " So I'll make my own plan thank you." I don't really trust God to lead our family or that he has the best intentions for me. In my heart I believe it, but living it out is a different story. So as much as were working to move, I'm working on apologizing to God. Sharing my frustrations and fear with him and asking him to change me from the inside out. Whether we find the best house, school or make the best plan I trust his everlasting arms are under us. And even though I go back and forth with my feelings, I know he's a good father. The best plans I make are still my own and honestly I know his are far better.
   

Back to school Part 2

     Winter break of my junior year my best friend flew out to spend Christmas and my birthday with me. I had missed her like crazy and it was nice to be somewhat normal again since my cousins funeral. The day after my birthday I woke up to my parents fighting, I'm not even sure what about but I later went upstairs to check on my dad. He  retreats into himself when he gets sad and lately mom and dad had been fighting more and more. Walking in his room he wasn't responding to my questions and making eye contact. On further inspection I realized he had taken a large amount of medication. Pills were scattered all over the countertop in his bathroom. Running downstairs to tell mom felt oddly familiar. I remember the ambulance coming and directing them to my parents bedroom. My siblings crying and my best friend in shock. She had never experienced this kind of trauma and was lost on how to help. At one point I sat on the stairs holding my brother, sister and best friend. I remember thinking I wish my arms were bigger so I could hold the three of them the right way. I was 16 holding the people I love most, trying not to cry and hold it all together. We arranged a flight for Megan to go back home early and my Dad would be in a mental hospital for a few days. Break was quickly over and it was back to school to get ready for my ACTs.
    Mom called the principal and he pulled me out of class to talk. He asked if I was ok and I lied to him, he apologized for everything at home and apologized for the hug he was about to give me. Pulling me into his chest he told me it was ok to let go and I finally broke down. Some afternoons while everyone was at lunch I'd go to the library to be by myself. This man always found me and would sit down and have small talk. He enjoyed making me laugh and told me I would get through it.That the world wouldn't always feel so heavy and to lean into my faith. The day Dad got home from the hospital we argued. I refused to forgive him and stood there defiant and accusatory. Him yelling "your'e a christian you're supposed to forgive me!" Wanting to yell back "well your my dad , your all I have and supposed to stay alive." The next day was my ACT testing, a day most students had prepared and studied for. The night before I cried myself to sleep. I slept during most of the math portion and in and out of the language arts. Still managing an average score but started spiraling again.
    This time I pulled away for good from my family and poured myself into life at church. I don't know why, but I think I blamed my family for all my pain. It wasn't true or fair but I was a dumb teenager feeling way too much at once. So volunteering and working started to take up most of my time. I barely graduated my senior year and never applied to college-thinking who the fuck cares. I was done with the chaos of home and inside myself. (And if I'm honest home life was doing well, I just didn't care to notice) I dedicated my time to serving others. Thinking I'm too lost for anyone to fix but Jesus anyway, so why invest in myself. I thought about moving to become a missionary and continued to please others inside my church. I used my religion as a healing patch rather than digging out all the lies I believed. It took years to repair the damage I helped create in my family and for my Dad and I to bond again. I resented them and the fact that they were all so messed up. Thinking I was better and knew better, they were the ones that were wrong; not me! Replacing my own family with church family made sense at the time; but has left it's own scars. My brother especially in that time felt abandoned by me when he needed me most. And my younger sister went on to live through her own trauma without me. Today my sister and I are close and our relationship is much better; but my brother and I are still working through stuff.

     High school for me was a cyclone of trauma and pain. Looking back I wish I had an advocate. Someone who was there to sort through our family pain and tell us what to do.  My parents were dealing with so much of there own crap, we needed more help. My mom was caring for all of us at once while pursuing a commanding career. They both had a huge amount of weight placed on them, that probably led to the stress of fighting and my dads depression. We needed help to succeed and I never cared enough to push myself and admit that I caused a lot of the drama too. I wish I had the high school story where I was bullied or had a exceptionally challenging class or bad acne. I think maybe if I had a life coach or therapist to walk me through each day; I may have graduated differently. Maybe even attending college right out the gate.
     This pain was awful but has made me the woman I am today. I've learned empathy and grace through it. I know the love of my Father God and cling to the relationships I have in my family. My parents mean the world to me and I'm beyond grateful for all they've done for me. I'm no longer afraid of being vulnerable or sharing my thoughts even if they conflict my environment.  It's still a challenge at 28 to want to please others, but pleasing God is worth way more to me.


 Today I am a stay at home mom. Trying to provide a steady, healthy environment for my children and give them every opportunity to go further in life. I don't have a degree or my own source of income but I'm strong. And who says it's too late for me to go to college? Recently there has been an opportunity to move to the east coast. As a family were going on a huge adventure with new possibilities. And wouldn't you know, there are great community colleges and art programs. I love how God redeems things. I've assumed the time for college was lost and just the way life goes. But maybe this is a time God shows me more of his redeemer heart. Whatever is ahead I'm excited about the future :)

     Maybe your story is chaotic and you feel lost in the pain. But I promise you it's only a chapter. The great creator is writing it with you in mind. You are deeply loved and known, so keep going it's worth it.

Romans 8:18 ESV
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 

Back to School Part 1

     I listen to NPR pretty regularly on my morning drive to my daughters school and the gym. This week there was a whole series on high school experiences and what were doing as a society to make school as successful as possible. Not just for the students but for the teachers as well. All of this made me think back on my high school experience.
     In 2001 I got accepted to one of the best art high schools in the U.S. Students who got excepted often went on to attend exclusive art colleges. Julliard as one of the top acceptance; which at the time was my dream university. While going through my high school interview and getting my art portfolio ready, the country was in mourning and left confused about where to go from there. September 11th was a few weeks before I was to start my freshman year. I loved the school, for the first time I was challenged and with people who loved creating as much as I did. It was a challenging work load and I quickly began to learn I couldn't just skate by. Three months in on winter break I traveled to my cousins house to celebrate my birthday. She was my best friend and confidant in everything. Patricia taught me about God and loved me with every ounce of herself. She died the morning of December 30th while taking a shower. It was three days after my birthday.
    The night before we were cuddled up in bed talking into the night. I don't remember much about the day but in snapshots. I remember the feeling of the cold dirt outside while I ran to the neighbors and waited to direct the ambulance from the country road. I remember waiting by the door after they took her body. Sitting by the family dogs waiting for her to come back. I didn't cry, didn't move, I don't even think I spoke. I remember my mom coming and at one point telling me I needed to come home. Looking back I know she was trying to care for me but it was one of the times I yelled no at my mother. I was so angry I'm surprised I didn't get violent. I needed to stay for when she came back. It was a lie, I knew she was alive.  She was 19 , how does your heart stop that young? As a child she was diagnosed with lupus but had been doing pretty well. It all didn't make sense. It still doesn't make much sense to me.
     That evening my mom crawled into my bed and wrapped her arms around me, pressing into my back. I guess I had been crying so hard you could hear me across the house. I was never the same after that. My best friend Megan sat with me as I got ready for the funeral, kissing and wipping my silent tears away. I don't know if she told me anything but not much helped. My family did what they could but part of me died that day too. I started spiraling and dreamed about killing myself. At least if I was dead I could be with her. I didn't last 6 months into my school and had to drop out my freshman year. Eventually I got counseling but I knew the therapist was crap so I played her like a fiddle. Learning quickly to put on a mask to make others happy and make it look like I was surviving. I didn't want to put my family through more pain and if I killed myself my siblings wouldn't have their big sister. So I learned to lie and I got pretty good at it.

 Because I started school a year early as a child I was able to repeat my freshman year without much change to my age group. 2003 I moved to Wyoming to live with an aunt who lived in the country. Diving head first into manual labor, structure and back to the catholic church. Secretly I had grown to hate God or anything to do with him. Because he killed my best friend. But knowing how much my cousin loved Jesus I thought it would probably make her proud if I pressed forward. And what if she saw me yelling at the God she prayed so fervently too? I did everything I was told and got better. Structure helped and as long as I didn't stop, I didn't break apart. Pleasing others became easier, but inside I cut myself off from everyone. Family, friends it didn't matter. I felt alone and would survive alone. Over Christmas break that year my parents moved to Colorado, I would be attending my sophomore year in Colorado Springs. I hated my parents all over again for taking me home and refused to talk to my father most of the drive to Colorado. Again they were loving me and if I stayed there I probably never would have become the woman I am now.  I think eventually if I stayed in Wyoming I would have run away; after-all if I was actually alone I wouldn't have to work so hard to please others.

   2004 I started Falcon High School as a sophomore. My grades didn't really suffer as I've always been good at school. But instead of my normal straight A's I didn't care. B's and C's were just fine. I didn't want to make friends so I often sat alone and ate lunch alone. Who cares anyway? My mom had started attending a protestant church that spring and I told her she would go to hell for leaving the Roman Catholic church. I hated everything she told me about Jesus and the new structure she made for me. My mom knew I wasn't ok even if I could lie to myself and believe she didn't know me. My mother has always known me ( I'm just like her and I'm so glad she didn't let me go). She would say I needed healing and that Jesus was the only one that could change me. She prayed every day of my sophomore year for me to come to know him as she did. I was so mad. The rule was do well in school or I'd be grounded and on the weekends I had to go to service with her if I wanted to go to mass Sunday evenings. Fine! She's going to hell anyway, I'll listen to these stupid rules.
    So I started going to church and listening to the sermons about Jesus. I did what was required at school and started engaging my family at meals. Wouldn't you know it my mom was right! Jesus did save my life. More than just a spiritual reformation, but I cared again. I wanted to heal and grow and get back to creating. I wanted to learn how to love God and others well. I became a regular Jesus Freak, completely head over heels in love with Jesus. I didn't care if that made me weird or gave me no friends. No one could know how dead I felt inside before. How daily; I would think how many of these pills should I take until I don't feel anymore or how deep would I have to cut this vain before I bled out.  I still was suffering with depression but it felt like God sat down in the pit with me and wrapped his arms around me and cleaned me up.
   During study hall I would sit and read my bible which is how I made my first friend. An extremely cute boy who loved Jesus too. We started a bible study together with other students and I didn't eat alone anymore. I slowly met people and continued to try and be social like I once was. But I was weird, I was the christian girl who wore undershirts in order to stay modest. I didn't date or have sex or party. I didn't engage in sports or advanced classes to challenge myself. (inside I still barely cared-just was no longer wanting to off myself daily) Even the cute christian boy didn't really like me like I liked him. Granted I followed him around like a lost puppy and everyone could probably tell I had a crush. I was heart broken my junior year when he didn't return the love I had for him. Confused why I wasn't wanted as more than a friend. If maybe, even though now I had Jesus , maybe I was still meant to be alone.
   I learned a lot those first couple of years, mostly about myself and what I am capable of. I think during this season of life students are just trying to make it through. There is so much change socially, emotionally, sexually and mentally it's a lot for a 16 year old to cope with. But if we can instill in our children confidence in who they are, and provide vulnerability as parents, I think they could be more well rounded and healthy adults. I remember telling my mom during this time how confusing boys are and no one seemed truly interested in who I am. More on if I party, drink, have sex or play sports. It all felt shallow and like no one saw my substance. She told me to keep going and so much changes from the time you're 16 to 25, so hold on and pursue my own growth and health. I think that carried me a long way and is something I will probably advise to my own children. So thanks Mom for always being right and seeing more in me than I ever saw in myself.
   

Bookclub Heartache

    Recently I started going to a bookclub. It's been my dream to attend one since I turned 18. I'm not even sure why, just the idea of enjoying literature with other book lovers and drinking wine seemed so elegant. So adult- like I arrived somehow. It sounded profound and a great gift. In some ways it has been exactly that but some nights I drive home crying. I have been attending once a month for about a year and I'm learning a lot. But what's surprising is I'm learning more about myself and my relationships with women.

   I have always been a friend that was needed. To give comfort, advice or just be there. I was and am still the mama hen. The one that cares deeply, that cries with you and hugs tight. And I'm loyal (possibly even to a fault because of abandonment issues-but thats a different story) . I'm always needed and feel valued by those friendships. We still have issues and arguments and don't always get it right. I've hurt friends beyond repair and don't know if I will ever get the chance to try and fix that. But in the end I know who I am and have learned. My dearest friendships are my tribe, the ones who encourage and hold me up, the ones that call out my crap and I love them for it. They have seen me at my ugliest and been there for the most joyous seasons of my life. They mean so much to me and always well.
 Anyway, all that to say I know who I am and who I am not. And I embrace it and work every day to try and become better than yesterday. So I can love more, heal more and keep reaching out towards wholeness. But what I'm learning is not everyone wants to be my friend.

I get that, duh; thats simple. That's something I teach to my daughters and I should know.  Not everyone will like you and be your friend. But it still sucks and sometimes hurts more than I can properly communicate. I've started asking myself why it bother me so much, and the answer is pretty disgusting in my opinion. It's because if I'm not needed, if I'm not important enough to be another dear friend, then who am I? What value do I have? Being the one that cares has been so deeply rooted into my identity, I'm scared to not have that all the time.

 I started attending this book club excited about being with women who value the things I do. Who love to read and discuss and grow. Who may want to talk about more books they love, who recommend and just say oh yah me too. Maybe even find a new dear friend I can share life with. But I haven't found that, I've found that sometimes women are guarded, confusing, judge-mental and maybe I make some uncomfortable. I feel like maybe I talk to much (which happens more when I'm nervous) and maybe feel too much. Maybe I expect too much in myself and in others. But I bet I mostly annoy them. But isn't the best love and friendship when someone just meets you where you're at? When they accept how you are and embrace that? When there like yeah she's weird but whatever so are all of us. We're all messed up and looking to be loved and known.

One of the deep lessons in all of this is my own pride. It's not all about me or how I feel or who I make connections with. It's about growing and learning. That's one of the joys of reading. You're able to wrap yourself up into a story unlike your own. To wonder and think deeply, you get to ask tough questions and look into another point of view. (You also just get to enjoy and maybe even laugh.) And it's not about the possible friendships either or the pressure, it's just about enjoying the moment. So I go every month. I eat desserts and drink hot coffee and enjoy the wonderful hospitality I'm given. (The woman who leads it probably will never know the comfort she brings just by serving and inviting me). I don't know if the women attending like me, but I like them. And who the hell cares if I'm liked anyway! I enjoy their differences and watching commune with one another. I like watching them laugh and seeing there story through how they discuss and carry themselves. It's wrong of me to get so caught up in myself and what I should or should not do when it's about being present.

I want to give more and be less. Not in a self depreciating way; just love more and be okay with who I am. I am loved and I am known. Not everyone will love me or even want to be around me. Nothing is wrong with that either. I'd rather just be and maybe every-once in a while some kindred spirit will come along and say me too. But in the meantime I'm just going to try and let go and be. To not think so much, stay humble, keep reading and being. Loving deeply and pressing into those that love me best.

Colossians 3:12-14 ESV
Therefore, as Gods chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Romans 12:18 NLT
If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone.