Winter break of my junior year my best friend flew out to spend Christmas and my birthday with me. I had missed her like crazy and it was nice to be somewhat normal again since my cousins funeral. The day after my birthday I woke up to my parents fighting, I'm not even sure what about but I later went upstairs to check on my dad. He retreats into himself when he gets sad and lately mom and dad had been fighting more and more. Walking in his room he wasn't responding to my questions and making eye contact. On further inspection I realized he had taken a large amount of medication. Pills were scattered all over the countertop in his bathroom. Running downstairs to tell mom felt oddly familiar. I remember the ambulance coming and directing them to my parents bedroom. My siblings crying and my best friend in shock. She had never experienced this kind of trauma and was lost on how to help. At one point I sat on the stairs holding my brother, sister and best friend. I remember thinking I wish my arms were bigger so I could hold the three of them the right way. I was 16 holding the people I love most, trying not to cry and hold it all together. We arranged a flight for Megan to go back home early and my Dad would be in a mental hospital for a few days. Break was quickly over and it was back to school to get ready for my ACTs.
Mom called the principal and he pulled me out of class to talk. He asked if I was ok and I lied to him, he apologized for everything at home and apologized for the hug he was about to give me. Pulling me into his chest he told me it was ok to let go and I finally broke down. Some afternoons while everyone was at lunch I'd go to the library to be by myself. This man always found me and would sit down and have small talk. He enjoyed making me laugh and told me I would get through it.That the world wouldn't always feel so heavy and to lean into my faith. The day Dad got home from the hospital we argued. I refused to forgive him and stood there defiant and accusatory. Him yelling "your'e a christian you're supposed to forgive me!" Wanting to yell back "well your my dad , your all I have and supposed to stay alive." The next day was my ACT testing, a day most students had prepared and studied for. The night before I cried myself to sleep. I slept during most of the math portion and in and out of the language arts. Still managing an average score but started spiraling again.
This time I pulled away for good from my family and poured myself into life at church. I don't know why, but I think I blamed my family for all my pain. It wasn't true or fair but I was a dumb teenager feeling way too much at once. So volunteering and working started to take up most of my time. I barely graduated my senior year and never applied to college-thinking who the fuck cares. I was done with the chaos of home and inside myself. (And if I'm honest home life was doing well, I just didn't care to notice) I dedicated my time to serving others. Thinking I'm too lost for anyone to fix but Jesus anyway, so why invest in myself. I thought about moving to become a missionary and continued to please others inside my church. I used my religion as a healing patch rather than digging out all the lies I believed. It took years to repair the damage I helped create in my family and for my Dad and I to bond again. I resented them and the fact that they were all so messed up. Thinking I was better and knew better, they were the ones that were wrong; not me! Replacing my own family with church family made sense at the time; but has left it's own scars. My brother especially in that time felt abandoned by me when he needed me most. And my younger sister went on to live through her own trauma without me. Today my sister and I are close and our relationship is much better; but my brother and I are still working through stuff.
High school for me was a cyclone of trauma and pain. Looking back I wish I had an advocate. Someone who was there to sort through our family pain and tell us what to do. My parents were dealing with so much of there own crap, we needed more help. My mom was caring for all of us at once while pursuing a commanding career. They both had a huge amount of weight placed on them, that probably led to the stress of fighting and my dads depression. We needed help to succeed and I never cared enough to push myself and admit that I caused a lot of the drama too. I wish I had the high school story where I was bullied or had a exceptionally challenging class or bad acne. I think maybe if I had a life coach or therapist to walk me through each day; I may have graduated differently. Maybe even attending college right out the gate.
This pain was awful but has made me the woman I am today. I've learned empathy and grace through it. I know the love of my Father God and cling to the relationships I have in my family. My parents mean the world to me and I'm beyond grateful for all they've done for me. I'm no longer afraid of being vulnerable or sharing my thoughts even if they conflict my environment. It's still a challenge at 28 to want to please others, but pleasing God is worth way more to me.
Today I am a stay at home mom. Trying to provide a steady, healthy environment for my children and give them every opportunity to go further in life. I don't have a degree or my own source of income but I'm strong. And who says it's too late for me to go to college? Recently there has been an opportunity to move to the east coast. As a family were going on a huge adventure with new possibilities. And wouldn't you know, there are great community colleges and art programs. I love how God redeems things. I've assumed the time for college was lost and just the way life goes. But maybe this is a time God shows me more of his redeemer heart. Whatever is ahead I'm excited about the future :)
Maybe your story is chaotic and you feel lost in the pain. But I promise you it's only a chapter. The great creator is writing it with you in mind. You are deeply loved and known, so keep going it's worth it.
Romans 8:18 ESV
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
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