Bookclub Heartache

    Recently I started going to a bookclub. It's been my dream to attend one since I turned 18. I'm not even sure why, just the idea of enjoying literature with other book lovers and drinking wine seemed so elegant. So adult- like I arrived somehow. It sounded profound and a great gift. In some ways it has been exactly that but some nights I drive home crying. I have been attending once a month for about a year and I'm learning a lot. But what's surprising is I'm learning more about myself and my relationships with women.

   I have always been a friend that was needed. To give comfort, advice or just be there. I was and am still the mama hen. The one that cares deeply, that cries with you and hugs tight. And I'm loyal (possibly even to a fault because of abandonment issues-but thats a different story) . I'm always needed and feel valued by those friendships. We still have issues and arguments and don't always get it right. I've hurt friends beyond repair and don't know if I will ever get the chance to try and fix that. But in the end I know who I am and have learned. My dearest friendships are my tribe, the ones who encourage and hold me up, the ones that call out my crap and I love them for it. They have seen me at my ugliest and been there for the most joyous seasons of my life. They mean so much to me and always well.
 Anyway, all that to say I know who I am and who I am not. And I embrace it and work every day to try and become better than yesterday. So I can love more, heal more and keep reaching out towards wholeness. But what I'm learning is not everyone wants to be my friend.

I get that, duh; thats simple. That's something I teach to my daughters and I should know.  Not everyone will like you and be your friend. But it still sucks and sometimes hurts more than I can properly communicate. I've started asking myself why it bother me so much, and the answer is pretty disgusting in my opinion. It's because if I'm not needed, if I'm not important enough to be another dear friend, then who am I? What value do I have? Being the one that cares has been so deeply rooted into my identity, I'm scared to not have that all the time.

 I started attending this book club excited about being with women who value the things I do. Who love to read and discuss and grow. Who may want to talk about more books they love, who recommend and just say oh yah me too. Maybe even find a new dear friend I can share life with. But I haven't found that, I've found that sometimes women are guarded, confusing, judge-mental and maybe I make some uncomfortable. I feel like maybe I talk to much (which happens more when I'm nervous) and maybe feel too much. Maybe I expect too much in myself and in others. But I bet I mostly annoy them. But isn't the best love and friendship when someone just meets you where you're at? When they accept how you are and embrace that? When there like yeah she's weird but whatever so are all of us. We're all messed up and looking to be loved and known.

One of the deep lessons in all of this is my own pride. It's not all about me or how I feel or who I make connections with. It's about growing and learning. That's one of the joys of reading. You're able to wrap yourself up into a story unlike your own. To wonder and think deeply, you get to ask tough questions and look into another point of view. (You also just get to enjoy and maybe even laugh.) And it's not about the possible friendships either or the pressure, it's just about enjoying the moment. So I go every month. I eat desserts and drink hot coffee and enjoy the wonderful hospitality I'm given. (The woman who leads it probably will never know the comfort she brings just by serving and inviting me). I don't know if the women attending like me, but I like them. And who the hell cares if I'm liked anyway! I enjoy their differences and watching commune with one another. I like watching them laugh and seeing there story through how they discuss and carry themselves. It's wrong of me to get so caught up in myself and what I should or should not do when it's about being present.

I want to give more and be less. Not in a self depreciating way; just love more and be okay with who I am. I am loved and I am known. Not everyone will love me or even want to be around me. Nothing is wrong with that either. I'd rather just be and maybe every-once in a while some kindred spirit will come along and say me too. But in the meantime I'm just going to try and let go and be. To not think so much, stay humble, keep reading and being. Loving deeply and pressing into those that love me best.

Colossians 3:12-14 ESV
Therefore, as Gods chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Romans 12:18 NLT
If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone.